“One day can change your life. One day can ruin your life. All life is is three or four big days that change everything.”
This quote is from the book and movie entitled “Riding in Cars with Boys”… It is so profoundly true. Again, this blog is my therapy and my attempt to reach out to anyone who may not be experiencing exactly what I am, but feeling the way I do. Since my last blog, a lot has happened. My daughter Audrey has been having weird episodes with her legs that have caused her pain. For the first time I have had to see her in pain due to her condition… It killed me. I haven’t been the same since. We took her to an Ortho doctor who examined her pretty thoroughly and he threw around words that were like needles in my heart… I finally got the courage to ask “Aren’t those words associated with Cerebral Palsy?” “Yes, have you guys seen a Neurologist?”… My heart right then and there… Broken. “I feel like it is our duty as doctors to give you a diagnosis… I will put some paperwork in to the state… I’m sorry, I know there are a lot of tears that come with this.” My daughter is in the process of being formally diagnosed with Mild Spastic Diplegia Cerebral Palsy. At that moment, I felt as though the good fight I had been fighting for so long was lost… I lost. The doctor left and I scrambled to get the kids ready to leave and I felt Bryan bring me in a bit and whisper into my ear “I know you’re trying really hard to be strong right now, but I am here for you.” He left with the kids and I stayed filling out paperwork… When I was driving home alone I couldn’t help but cry my eyes out and pray. I told God that I wasn’t mad or blamed him… I said thank you for her… I said it could have been so much worse. It really could have… She is here walking, happy, and so smart. To be honest, what hurts so much is this… I don’t want people to make fun of her. We were told she would run funny. We don’t know how she will talk, that might be a little off as well, who knows? Right now, her walking looks good. What if she gets made fun of? I mean, my daughter has been through SO much already, ridicule on top of that? We don’t know how long she will need her leg braces for… Kids are cruel. We all know this. I didn’t want this for my girl. I told my concerns to a friend and she gave me a response that I will never forget, she said “Yeah, kids are mean. That’s why you need to build her up. Build her up. Tell her how amazing she is and yeah, you’re a little different, but who cares?”. That is exactly what I plan to do. I would love to say that I can protect her from everything all her life, but I just can’t. I may not be very strong right now, but you best believe that I am going to make her be stronger than I ever was or will be. To say that I am sad is a complete and utter understatement. I have a heavy feeling in my chest that just won’t go away… But, Audrey Bear is an amazing creation and I don’t see this diagnosis making her any less amazing. She already has this inspiring story to tell and she has brought so much happiness into our lives. She has made our family the most important thing in our lives. Bryan and I have discussed that we will do everything to have our family be closer than anything, we need to make sure she will always have someone taking care of her, and I know she will, her brothers always will. The day we got Audrey’s MRI results… The day we went to the Ortho… Those days, I will never forget… Those days changed everything. I told Jeshua, my oldest son, about Audrey… I explained it as best as I could to an eight year-old. I told him I was sad… He responded with this, “She’s fine Mommy. She is a little special, but everyone is special. She’s only 1% special special. Don’t worry, if you’re happy, she’ll be happy.” Jeshua is the wisest kid I have ever met. If I’m happy, she’s happy… That’s what I’ll do, for her.
a song for my boy Jesh…
“Come on now, don’t you want to see?… Just what a difference you’ve made to me.”
“If the sky’s gonna fall down let it fall on me. If you’re gonna break down you can break on me.”
we celebrated my son, Jeshua’s, eighth birthday this past sunday. eight years ago, i had no idea what i had gotten myself into at all. you see, i got pregnant when i was seventeen, i had him when i was barely eighteen… when i say i had no idea what i was doing, i mean i had NO idea what i was doing. i always felt bad for the life Jesh was born into. his “biological” father chose to put other things in his life before his son and ultimately chose to live a life separate from him when he was four years-old. for a while, it was just me and Jesh. i raised him while working two jobs and going to school. i did all of this for him. everything i do is for him. i knew i wanted him to be different than his “biological” father. i wanted him to do the right thing, be a good person, go to school, be a good dad/husband one day (One day a LONG time away.) i wanted and still want him to break the mold. i knew i had to provide him with a better life and the life he deserved. i’m always going to be here for Jesh. as he gets older, i am starting to realize that he is going to always be here for me too. i will never forget one of the hardest days of my life… i had recently given birth to our third child, Landon, and i was on my own adjusting to having three kids while still absorbing the news of Audrey’s condition. Audrey bumped her head and i lost it… to say the least. i began crying and was so scared. i remember calling Bryan, my husband, hysterically saying “She can’t be bumping her head, she has brain damage! What if I just made it worse by not catching her?!” Jeshua overheard me sobbing and asked “What’s wrong Mommy?”. “Nothing Jesh.” “You’re crying because Audrey has an owie on her brain, huh?” “Yeah… I am.” “Mommy, she’s fine. Look, she’s happy.” how amazing is that? leave it up to my little boy to snap me out of it. Jesh has a heart of gold and it was him who got me through one of the hardest days of my life. i used to worry about the person he would become considering what had happened when he was younger, but i’m not anymore. he has a complete family now. he has a mom. he has a sister. he has a brother. he has a dad… he has the best dad. a dad who may not have the same blood as him, but would do anything for him and treats him no different… as if he was in his life everyday all along. a dad who would NEVER leave him (Thank you Bryan.) Jesh is my first love… he taught me what love was.
this song has played over and over in my head since finding out about Audrey’s condition… every lyric is so real and true, for me personally. enjoy.
“Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.”
“Questions of science, science and progress don’t speak as loud as my heart.”
i have been bottling up a lot of emotions lately, and i have come to the realization that i need to change some things in my life. i’m not going to go into full detail of every fault i have, because quite frankly a lot of them are pretty boring. one thing i want to change is my habit of confining my thoughts in my brain, and not letting anyone ever even know they’re there. most of them are nonsense crap like “Would Costco really be the best sanctuary in a Zombie Apocalypse? Wouldn’t people start killing each other once the food starts running out?”, but other thoughts are there and valid and powerful. that is the purpose of this blog. to share my thoughts. to share who i am… i’m not really sure who i am quite yet, there have been too many events in my life that have impacted and changed me. but, i’ll figure it out and maybe you will too… with me. i want to share these thoughts and feelings in hope that someone out there will read them and can relate, because i know that i want to know that i can’t possibly be the only person on this planet feeling the way i do. if i can help even one person get through a day feeling better, then my life is that much brighter with more purpose than i could have ever dreamed of. this is my therapy too. i have a hard time talking completely about certain subjects with people. i don’t do support groups. none of that. so here goes. my one year-old daughter has brain damage… and it kills me. it makes me so sad. i could be driving in the car happy as can be, then the thought pops up in my head “Audrey has brain damage.”, then i cry. i paint this picture for everyone that she is going to be fine, because i have faith in God that she will, but i’m not going to lie… i am scared. i feel guilty for even saying that, because it feels negative and useless. you get a lot more out of having that profound faith and trust that everything is going to be okay. audrey is strong, smart, funny, and clever… it sucks she has had to go through all this. but, you know what?… it is my biggest hope that she will get through it all, with no limitations, with nothing she can’t do, and have this AMAZING story to tell. i know all this will happen one day… but again, i am scared it won’t. this is something i must change, because i never want to doubt the faith i have in God, but also, i don’t ever want to doubt the faith i have in my daughter. if i can’t believe in her with all my being, who can she expect to later in life? for a long time before i had Audrey i always said i would be just fine having only boys. i was scared to have a girl and i felt like i had made so many mistakes as a woman that i couldn’t possibly be able to teach a girl the right thing to do. God gave me her for a reason. rather than me teaching her the right thing to do, she’s teaching me everything. she is teaching me that patience makes perfect, like “Mom, I will walk when I want to.”. sure enough, she wanted to, and she walks everywhere now. she is teaching me that the good looks a lot nicer than the bad. i can be dwelling on all the sad stuff that has happened, but there comes Audrey with a huge smile on her face, and i can’t help but think “Who cares? She is happy… She is here.”. she is teaching me that being so serious isn’t any fun… there’s more memories to be made when you’re laughing and acting like a fool. she’s not talking, but i’m sure it’s because she doesn’t have anything to say just yet… she might be teaching me to embrace the silence for now. we don’t know what life is going to give Audrey in the future, but you know what? i’m not going to let the fear of the future affect the happiness of today anymore…
“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” - Proverbs 31:25